How to get her to be a crueller keyholder when she won't talk about your chastity (but still seems to enjoy it) #4

Treat your chastity device like it's the coil... but be careful what you wish for!

Her “Vanilla Non-Sexy Self” (Photo by Content Pixie on Unsplash)

So, remember a common complaint in male chastity online spaces is roughly: “Help! My wife says she’s fine with my chastity fetish, but she never tells me to lock up.”

And the problem is probably that her sexuality is protected by a Black Box only accessible during intimate time, and treating a chastity device like a condom doesn’t work very well anyway because it kills spontaneity and is impractical anyway.

One approach is to treat the chastity device like a contraceptive cap and put it on for bedtime.

There’s another similar approach but with very different results. This involves treating your chastity device as if it was the coil.

Like the cap from last time, the coil or “IUD” is another ancient contraceptive device, but unlike it, it is still popular today. Here’s what it looks like installed:

“The coil installed” (Wikipedia)

Though it has hormonal and spermicidal effects, the coil is technically a mechanical form of contraception and pretty much non-intrusive during sex.

Like the cap, the coil pushes the technical process onto the woman. Unlike the cap, installing the coil is a one-off procedure involving a trip to the doctor. Even more unlike the cap, removing the coil is a significant decision, usually taken together as a couple, and involves a second trip to the doctor.

The practical effect is that once it’s installed, not only does nobody need to think about contraception, but there’s also usually no point in thinking about it because the coil can’t be casually removed. This is very similar to Option 3 from the first article:

Default is locked, and her Non-Sexy Headspace has sole veto on your chastity.

Like in the “cap version” — he locks up at bedtime and the keys are to hand — in the “coil version”, he wears chastity device by default (according to an agreed routine).

What’s different is that she can’t unlock him during intimate time because the key is out of practical reach. That makes a huge difference! The result is not necessarily better or worse than the cap version, just different.

Male chastity device as coil

Once again, think about how the contraceptive option — in this case the coil — looks from a male partner’s point of view:

• The technical aspects are her responsibility.

• It’s always installed, so there’s no pressure to have sex on any given night.

• There’s no option to remove it except after a conversation involving Non-Sexy Headspaces.

Again flip the genders and make it a chastity cage he routinely installs and places the keys out of reach.

Just like the cap version, this inflicts on her no upfront emotional labour or responsibility. However, this freedom continues into intimate time; there’s no decision for her to take, so no point in second guessing or feeling guilty.

Again, like the cap version, locking according to a routine frees her from the pressure to have intimacy on any given night, especially if he is locked more often than sex usually happens. However, since the keys are out of reach, she’s under even less pressure, and he’ll find such nights easier to cope with.

Unlike the cap version, she can’t unlock him during sex. She might not like this loss of control, and might also miss being able to make him beg. However, she may instead find it liberating to be under no pressure to be playful, and also enjoy the certainty of having him locked — what’s weird about this option is that it doesn’t bake in any power dynamic, since it treats the chastity cage as a body modification.

The potential downside of this approach is that you are making her Vanilla Non-Sexy Self your keyholder.

The problem with her not being able to unlock you in bed…

The problem with treating the chastity device as a coil is that her Vanilla Non-Sexy Self is in charge of his chastity, but doesn’t generally think about sex, let alone talk about it.

I discovered this the hard way — literally.

Back when we started out, we had a rule that I would be locked by default at bedtime. The key would always be in another room, or in some inconvenient place, so that unlocking would be way too much fuss.

Xena always had the option to tell me not to lock up, but — to my frustration at the time (I was younger and physically hornier) — she never did.

What had happened was that I had turned a decision to unlock me into a decision to have sex, and shifted that decision to non-sexy time.

For us, like I suspect most couples, intimacy happens after we’ve settled into bed, maybe read a little or watched a show. Partly this is because people need to wind down before they feel sexy. Mostly it’s because female desire tends to be reactive, as in situational. Most women need a sexy situation in order to feel sexy.

Imagine if vanilla couples could only have sex if the woman (a) initiated and (b) had to declare her intention upfront by getting into sexy nightwear before going through the rest of her bedtime routine?

That’s the situation I inadvertently set up. I had in effect made Xena’s Vanilla Non-Sexy Self into my keyholder!

Our adventures with permanent chastity have been similar. Me getting out involves a conscious decision on Xena’s part and some logistics. However, conscious decisions and logistics belong outside the Black Box, while chastity belongs inside it, so release just never comes up. It’s the equivalent of sex only happening if the woman decides to commit to it upfront at 8am of the morning before…

So, this is a genuine careful what you wish for scenario.

Getting to this place

Assuming she clearly likes you locked, this is by far the easiest of the three options to incorporate in your relationship:

1. Work out a good way to stash the key. You want a location that’s too much trouble at night, especially if you are cosy in bed, but isn’t a problem in the morning. Good examples include: your car’s glove compartment; the garden shed; and the flowerbeds outside the bedroom window (if you are ground floor!). An easier alternative is a time lock safe, e.g. the kSafe.

2. When locked, suggest putting the key out of reach. If she agrees, stash the key as planned, and, unless prompted, don’t make a fuss about your inability to escape. (There’s no need to demonstrate you can cope with this, because it won’t be her responsibility.)

3. Get permission to lock and stash on specific nights. If she seems to like this arrangement, when she’s in her Black Box Headspace — maybe in the afterglow — suggest something like, “Suppose I did this every Friday for a while for a while?”

4. Follow through without waiting for further confirmation. Remember, her Vanilla Non-Sexy Self doesn’t talk about this stuff!

5. Much later on, suggest expanding the routine. If the routine is working for both of you, then — at an appropriate moment — offer to do more nights and maybe more continuous lock-up.

As with the previous option, this will feel much crueller than any ad hoc arrangement. Her total lack of responsibility for your situation may also empower her to find your situation amusing.

A place you might get stuck in…

If she’s not a natural tease and says she likes you locked, you have to be prepared for the possibility that this is because — on some level — she thinks a deactivated penis is an upgrade.

If so, then this approach lets her enjoy having the upgraded partner with no need to take responsibility, and no need to discuss her preference. Worse, the only time you can discuss it with her is at a time when any sex talk would normally get the rolled up newspaper treatment from her Vanilla Non-Sexy Self.

You’re basically stuck.

If that’s kind-of-sort-of what you darkly crave, then think through how you’ll respond if she’s the one who wants to expand the arrangement. Have a realistic offer ready in case she drops a hint like, “I prefer you this way”. Also have an upper limit in mind should she ask for something specific. Whatever you agree to, remember to follow through and deliver without further discussion.

But, seriously, be careful of what you wish for. In established couples, power exchange has this way of becoming real.

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