How to get her to be a crueller keyholder when she won't talk about your chastity (but still seems to enjoy it) #2

Probably don't treat your chastity cage like a condom!

Photo by Steven Jones on Unsplash

A common complaint in male chastity online spaces is something like:

Help! My wife says she’s fine with my chastity fetish, but she never tells me to lock up.

What’s probably gone wrong is that, like maybe most people in the real world, her sexuality is inside a Black Box that works fine but isn’t easily available for conversation and is impossible to negotiate with anyway.

So our male chastity enthusiast has drifted into a situation whereby…

Default is unlocked, but her Black Box can mandate chastity.

I think this approach, done right, can work very well for some couples, but mostly it doesn’t.

For a start, there’s an art to making any sort of kinky gift to the Black Box.

Kinky Gifts for her Black Box

The thing about her Black Box is it’s guarded by her Vanilla Non-Sexy Self (still need a better name for this - help?)

Not only must you make your approach when the VNSS is not around, you must also tailor your offering so as not to trigger the VNSS to leap in with a veto.

This requires good timing and emotional intelligence. There are better and worse moments to suggest something kinky!

More importantly, you need a proposal that neither makes demands on her VNSS guardian nor triggers it by seeming unsafe or unwise. That means nothing that looks like it will require conscious — as in self-conscious — effort on her part, especially outside intimate time, and nothing that looks stupid or dangerous.

Good kinky gifts to the Black Box include new toys, for example a new more painful whip that that’s still safe, and bondage gear that restrains you rapidly and stashes away easily, but also simple permissions such as,“You know, you can safely hit me a lot harder. I promise to let you know if there’s a problem…”

Unfortunately, the power of lockup is a more problematic gift.

Giving her Black Box the power of lockup

The gift is something like, “You can lock me up any time you want.”

However, that’s unlikely to get past the Vanilla Non-Sexy Self gatekeeper.

First, the VNSS will detect the possibility of emotional labour, second guessing and male expectations. Can she really lock you up without you expecting something specific in return? Won’t you nag and pester her for release?

You could, of course, just promise not to be demanding. However, you might be better dropping the key out the window — if you live in a house or ground floor apartment! — or putting the key in a box that padlocks, and the padlock key is elsewhere. Anything to make unlocking impractical once you’re locked.

The second problem is that her VNSS may take one look at the proposed chastity device and deem it unsafe or impractical. The fix for that is to be able to demonstrate that the chastity device is in fact safe and practical. Take responsibility for your fetish and announce you are going to experiment with overnight wear as a sort of shake down cruise and that this won’t directly involve her.

So a solution for the keys and a good chastity device proven for long term wear — you’re good to go!

Except, are you really?

The snag is, this whole approach treats the chastity device as a condom, which it’s not.

Probably don’t treat your chastity device as a condom…

Default is unlocked, but her Black Box can mandate chastity might seem like the most empowering arrangement you can offer, however it’s got real issues.

First and foremost, your lockup only happens if it seems like a good idea when she’s in her sexy Black Box headspace. This in turn can only work if she 100% takes for granted that this is what you want, that it’s safe and practical, and that there won’t be annoyances and overheads. Even then, she has to spontaneously want it. She may be very happy to experiment with male chastity, however, that doesn’t mean it’s on her radar when she’s turned on.

Then there’s the problem that your chastity becomes tied to her making a commitment upfront to engage in sexual activity. That can be great if she enjoys the momentum and your relationship blurs into sexy time well ahead of bedtime, usually meaning it’s a newish or you’re both young and horny. That’s not going to work so well later on when there’s less blur and her desire is more reactive. It’s also always going to be an issue if she likes total spontaneity in the moment.

Finally, “I’m feeling horny, go put on your chastity device” is almost guaranteed to be a self-defeating order. At least condoms require you to have an erection.

In fact, all this is like being in a hotel planning to use a condom if things get intimate, except the condom is in a vending machine downstairs in the hotel bar restrooms, you’ll only go buy it if she explicitly tells you to, which she won’t unless she’s feeling horny and already naked.

However…

You can treat your lockup time as a fidget spinner…

If you are locked — probably actually because you adopted one of the two approaches I’m going to talk about over the next two weeks — then you can gift her Black Box control over your lockup time.

Obviously, you need to have proven you can handle long term wear 24/7 — I think this is the true meaning of Locktober.

You also really need a mechanical counting device she can use to add to your sentence right now. A simple clicker counter works as long as she thinks you’ll take it seriously. However, the best option is a timer safe like the Kitchen Safe. As soon as we had one, Xena could lock away my keys in the knowledge that there would be no consequences for her. She could also extend the time on whim. She knew I couldn’t bug her into unlocking me, nor would she have to second guess herself as the days or weeks rolled by. Once that button was pressed, that was that.

Do that, and congratulations, your lockup time is now controlled by a fidget spinner, itself controlled by the whims of her Black Box sexy headspace. That can be very thrilling indeed, but is also likely to propel you into a different dynamic as the lockup times spiral out of control…

(See rest of Black Box Keyholder series)

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