How to get her to be a crueller keyholder when she won't talk about your chastity (but still seems to enjoy it) #3

Maybe treat your chastity device like it's the diaphragm (not joking)...

“Inside her Black Box.” Photo by Jez Timms on Unsplash

So there’s a common complaint in male chastity online spaces that’s something like:

Help! My wife says she enjoys my chastity fetish, but she never tells me to lock up.

And the problem is probably that her sexuality is protected by a Black Box only accessible during intimate time, and treating a chastity device like a condom doesn’t work very well anyway because it kills spontaneity and is impractical.

The situation is simple for her — she doesn’t really think about sex outside sex time — but complicated for you because you have to navigate around that while finding ways to propose kinky things she might enjoy, but without getting the rolled up newspaper treatment from her Vanilla Non-Sexy Normal Self.

So if treating the chastity device like a condom — something she can call for in the moment — works badly, what about instead treating your chastity device as if it was a diaphragm?

Just be clear we’re on the same page, I mean one of these:

Contraceptive Diaphragm aka “Dutch Cap” (Wikipedia)

This is ancient contraceptive technology, but apparently still in use today. The woman loads it with contraceptive gel, then inserts it vaginally to cover the cervix. Its main advantage is that it’s a non-hormonal mechanical contraceptive that’s not however a condom.

The cap strikes me as actually every bit as clunky and intrusive as a condom, but it has the “advantage” of pushing the clunkiness well upstream of the sex and making it the woman’s responsibility.

As the venerable Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex (But Were Too Afraid To Ask) puts it:

The diaphragm does have one advantage—it can be inserted long before intercourse and thus avoids interruptions at delicate moments.

1950s wives were advised to insert it as part of the bedtime routine, so there would be no pressure on the husband to perform, but sex would always be an option.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

This is Option 2 from the first article in this series:

Default is locked, and her Black Box has sole veto on your chastity.

So, in this approach, you wear the male chastity device to bed as a default, but her Black Box — by which I mean her in her sexy headspace — can always unlock you or tell you to unlock.

Male Chastity Device as Diaphragm

Think about how the diaphragm works from the point of view of the 1950s husband:

• The mess and fuss is her responsibility.

• It’s always installed, so there’s no pressure.

• There’s the option to remove it (presumably for procreative sex).

Keep the power dynamic but flip the genders and you have a way to make your chastity work for her.

This avoids loading her with any upfront emotional labour or additional responsibility. Nor are you setting things up so that erotic subjects intrude on non-intimate time. The business of comfort and hygiene is your business and not hers. There’s no fuss about handing over the key. It goes in a standard place where ideally it’s accessible, but not spontaneously accessible to you; in her bedside drawer for example, or the bathroom cabinet.

Also, adopting a routine removes any pressure on her. The paradoxical aim is to de-sexualise the chastity cage, except during actual sexy time.

This means you have to show willingness to wear your chastity device when intimacy is definitely not on the cards. If locking up is part of your bedtime routine, then be locked for more nights than you could possibly expect to have sex. For example, if sex happens on Friday or Saturday night, be locked Thursday through Sunday. Even better — if practical — build in some continuous chastity, e.g. locked all weekend except when socialising.

Finally, you’re preserving her option to have you unlock. This may be important for her sense of control, or because sometimes she just wants to have sex, or — more likely — because of her self-image. She may also enjoy having you beg… and of course the uncertainty might be what draws you to this adventure.

Which takes us to a potential downside of this approach.

The problem with her ability to unlock you

The snag with all this is that you are trying to turn her Black Box into your keyholder.

This is fine if she’s very confident of being dominant when she’s in that headspace. Otherwise there’s a risk that any ambiguity about your expectations will trigger her protective Vanilla Non-Sexy Normal Self to veto the idea on the grounds that you’re setting her up for emotional labour — Does he really want this? Am I a bad person? Etc… — and blowback if she gets it wrong.

You therefore need to demonstrate that you can handle being locked without exhibiting any entitlement or expectations. That means initially refusing invitations to unlock, and possibly being honest about why: “I want to prove I can do this.” Once locking is routine, you could also initiate some sensual activity during locked non-sex nights — e.g. foot rubs — but neither push for more, nor draw attention to how aroused you are. (Whatever you do, don’t plead unless that’s what she seems to want!)

Less obviously, you could also make the “deal” that she will only unlock your device if she wants to perform a specific sex act on you, something more arduous than lying back while you finish inside her. She’s likely to be more comfortable with — say — refusing you a blow job than with directly refusing you an orgasm, and if a blow job is the only way you are “allowed” to get off tonight, then that’s your problem. (LOL.) However, if you’re genuinely in this for the “will she?/won’t she?” you have to be very careful to agree on a specific sex act that she will sometimes feel like doing.

Photo by Claudia Love on Unsplash

Getting to this place

Assuming you’ve already brought out the chastity device in the bedroom and that she clearly likes you that way at least some of the time, then:

1. Demonstrate you can cope with remaining locked. Refuse at least one orgasm to show you can do it. If possible, don’t unlock the following morning. At this stage, take ownership of your desires: “I want to show I can do 24 hours.”

2. Get permission to try locking up on specific nights. The best time to ask for that, of course, is when you’re locked and she’s in her Black Box headspace. Whatever you ask for must be something you can actually deliver.

3. Follow through without waiting for further confirmation. A big mistake people make is to get agreement for something kinky, but then not really believe it and expect some further confirmation that never comes. Instead, if she agreed you should lock on Friday nights, then come to bed locked on Friday — and be prepared to remind her what she agreed to.

4. Much later on, suggest expanding the routine. If the routine is working for both of you, then — at an appropriate moment — offer to do more nights and maybe more continuous lock-up.

The result will feel crueller to you, even if it’s mostly cruelty by omission: she mostly won’t be setting out to tease and torment you, but the resulting one-sided intimacy will be deliciously frustrating and masochists may find that callous is even sexier than cruel.

But still an uncomfortable place you probably pass through together

Unless she’s a natural tease, you should be alert to the possibility that having the keys to hand will make her more rather than less uncomfortable over time.

Male chastity devices are a spanner in the works of an engine built of all sorts of moving psychological and cultural forces that together centre male sexual gratification. Until the wheels come off that engine, she may feel uncomfortable going in unless there’s at least the possibility of unlocking you, and the same time increasingly uncomfortable at the finish because there’s the possibility of unlocking you. The resulting discomfort and inner conflict may put her off the entire enterprise.

If this is becoming an issue, you could try to dial things back to something more scripted — good luck with that.

A more realistic option is to give up on the possibility of her unlocking you, while preserving the theoretical and increasingly fictional possibility that she might. You can do this by changing the way you treat the keys.

Instead of quietly surrendering the keys as usual, offer to put them out of reach. I used to just drop mine out of the window into the roses where they could be easily retrieved during daylight. Later, I introduced a lock-up timer safe. You could also try slipping them into a locked money box and have the key to the money box stashed somewhere inconvenient.

Pick your moment when she’s already settling into an evening with you locked and keep it simple while owning what you want to do: “Shall I put the keys where I can’t get them until the morning?”

If she says yes once, the chances are she’ll say yes again and that it will then become part of your routine, like when a restaurant waiter brings out the wine bottle for inspection before uncorking. If she later becomes impatient with the ritual, then it’s probably time to shift to the final approach (which I’ll cover next time)… because that’s where you’re probably headed anyway.

(See rest of Black Box Keyholder series)

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