So, how DO I make my partner feel more dominant (or submissive)?

How Kinky Power Exchange becomes real #6

Photo by Anna Rosar on Unsplash

We’ve talked about the structural power imbalance between dominant and submissive, explored the scary way conditioning writes habits straight to the neurons, and then confronted the uncomfortable way that the primitive part of the brain shoehorns relationships into a limited number of boxes, and how your dynamic is maybe heading for the one marked “Authority Ranking”.

Which takes us back to the question that kicked off the series:

How do I make my partner more dominant?

And the answer is still the very simple:

Identify vanilla things that your partner already likes
that can be unreasonably improved
through power exchange,
and then suggest and deliver them.

Only, now we can see why.

We can also glimpse the reason for the answer to another question that keeps coming up.

Why is “stealth submitting” a bad idea?

It’s something you see on the forums from time to time: advice that a wannabe submissive husband — it’s usually a husband — just quietly start submitting to his wife’s every whim.

The long term plan is that he will eventually explain what he’s doing, and she will happily embrace domestic discipline, keeping him in chastity etc etc (fap fap). Apart from this being unethical, on the face of it, there are lots of reasons why that conversation could go badly wrong. Nobody likes to be manipulated, especially people with dominant tendencies. She may feel that she shouldn’t have to do kink for him to act like a good husband (at last, (sigh)).

However, if you’ve read this series so far, you can hopefully see more technical reasons why this is a bad approach.

For a start, you’re building up the mutual habit of command and obey, but without any of the kink. If she’s already used to getting her way without feeling guilty, why would she want to add the whips and chains and chastity devices?

Perhaps worse, you’ve shifted the entire relationship into the Relational Model “Authority Ranking” in her favour, and now you’re trying to reframe everything as Market Pricing. Not only don’t you have a negotiating position, but your attempt to negotiate will feel weird and in bad taste.

If you treat it as real, she will (maybe) come round

The “identify vanilla things… etc” advice actually boils down to the more starkly simple principle:

If you both treat the power exchange as real, it becomes psychologically real.

So, the aspiring submissive doesn’t have to do anything special or use the kinky version of Pickup Artist tricks. Manipulative tactics would be unethical and especially repugnant in this context anyway. However, they simply aren’t needed. If you can get your partner to do at least some kinky power exchange to get things she wants, then you have an “in”.

Ironically, cultural conservatives already know this, hence their exaggerated reverence for things like — in the UK — the monarchy and the rituals and ceremony surrounding it. If you treat your dominant like a queen, then she’ll feel like a queen, and you’ll feel like her subject.

The business with identifying “vanilla things your partner already likes that can be unreasonably improved through power exchange, and then suggest and deliver them” turns out to be a ladder to be eventually kicked away.

All you’re really doing is getting her to sample a product she might like: you as a slave. The hope is that she’ll eventually “buy”. If that happens very suddenly, so much the better: if a planned massage followed by oral turns into 48 hours of chastity and domestic service, then that’s a win. Just go with the flow. It’s a long game.

The reason you have to drip feed her with samples is because reciprocity is probably instinctive — I’ll wager that relationships tend to default to Communal Sharing and Equality Matching — and because there’s still massive cultural pressure on women to “be nice” and to centre the man, and for men to treat that as natural. I cringe when I see posts along the lines of “Have your wife tease and deny you…” Even in BDSM circles, there’s a tendency to frame female dominance as a skill set that can be rated, and for the prodomme to be the benchmark for all dommes (we’ll come back to that in my next article).

The downside of the treat it as real approach is that you don’t generally get kinks that don’t make sense to your partner, or require too much effort: it’s about her, not you.

The upside is that being on the wrong end of real unfiltered dominance can be thrilling.

As always, careful what you wish for.

But what about making him more submissive?

If you’re a dominant woman trying to nudge your partner into being more submissive, then it’s a bit more complicated because he’s the one that can pull the plug.

(Article unlocks next Sunday. The earlier articles of How Kinky Power Exchange becomes real are already unlocked… unlike me.)

(CAVEATS: I’m assuming F/m but this probably applies to other combos. I’m also not addressing the complex ethical issues. It’s also possible that some kinky activities might trigger old traumas, so proceed with caution. Your partner may run a mile or regard you as a monster.)

Let’s imagine four grades of submissive: “Good Submissive”, which is where you’re trying to get him; “Selective Submissive”, who enthusiastically submits, but only for specific activities, and a “Vanilla Submissive”, who submits but in vanilla ways and maybe won’t admit it.

Improving a Good Submissive

If you’re already doing some unfiltered power-exchange, then I think your best bet is to just keep doing it, while slowly extending the time and intensity, adding to the range of activities, and connecting them. This is in part what Xena did to me, once we got underway.

You don’t need to overthink because “treating it as real” invokes the ancient internalisation mechanisms we’ve explored. For example, don’t worry too much about him being bored. He probably takes pride and experiences squirm while powering through that, giving him Positive Reinforcement. And, when you do then issue an order he does enjoy, he gets to escape the boredom, which is Negative Reinforcement.

It’s probably a good idea to mention from time to time how you are getting things you want: part from pinging his kinks, it will also remind him that this is an Authority Ranking situation, and not you performing for his pleasure.

For a Selective Submissive?

If he’s already somewhat kinky, but not really much good at submitting consistently with much actual service, then maybe treat his existing fantasies as rough proxies for real submission, gradually swap them out or expand them, then join it all up. Try trading your wants for his: he can have his bondage game, but only once he lets you spank him lightly.

And, when you’re doing your thing, be very clear and happy about getting things you want: ping his underlying submissive urges, and establish that Authority Ranking Relational Mode!

This mirrors the “make her more dominant” advice: you’re giving him the equivalent of varied work experience in the hope that he’ll take the role when offered. However, such is the sticky drippy nature of the male brain, you are also — hopefully — laying down new fetishes. Eventually he’ll need the slave collar but not the stockings.

Once you have kink you like going on, try gradually dropping the kink you can’t be bothered with. Eventually, you’ll have upgraded him to a “Good Submissive”, above.

What about starting from scratch with a Vanilla Submissive?

If you’re starting from scratch…

Well, I don’t believe you can turn a man into a sub. However, many men quite clearly have vanilla submissive tendencies, so your real objective is probably to identify, feed and formalise those: “You like rubbing my feet/being teased/giving me hours of oral…? Well, it would really turn me on if/I have this fantasy that…”

This gives us something pretty much like my original advice:

Identify submissive things he already likes doing for you and kink them up while (a) making them sexy in vanilla ways and (b) explicitly own how much you enjoy them.

So, suppose he already likes giving you oral service. Suggest he wear a slave collar and act the role, but in return offer to wear — say — stockings and a sexy corset. And tell him how much you like having a silent, obedient, oral slave (or whatever it is you do like).

I imagine this would be particularly effective if he has a strong vanilla fetish or turn on you can exploit, in part because he can tell himself he’s merely trading fantasies and not really exploring submission.

Do this enough, and with luck you’ll have upgraded him to a “Selective Submissive”, above.

Is any of this a good idea?

I just don’t know.

I started off thirty years or more ago enjoying bondage games but harbouring slave fantasies. Now I’m a decade into a female led relationship and in my fourth year of (near) permanent chastity.

It feels great!

However, I’m aware that my feelings — even my wants and desires — have been shaped by this internalisation process. The hellish thing is, that thought turns me on…

All the more reason to — finally — talk about how to firewalling power exchange dynamics in both directions, or not, and why that matters. Tune in next week!

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