How to get her to be a crueller keyholder when she won't talk about your chastity (but still seems to enjoy it) #5
Through the Femdom Window, but which one?
So, you have a Black Box keyholder, that is a woman who seems to enjoy your chastity fetish, but doesn’t talk about it or about sex in general because her sexuality is protected by something that feels like a Black Box.
If there’s already a male chastity cage in your relationship, then it probably got there because you approximately followed the best advice to a malesub for introducing any femdom to a relationship:
Identify an erotic actvity she already likes that can be unreasonably improved by kink.
Maybe also your timing was lucky or you blundered in on a wave of New Relationship Energy and she just went with it.
Unfortunately, since she’s one of those people who doesn’t really talk about sex, the erotic activity — what I call a “Femdom Window” — may have been only vaguely defined, or else way too specific.
Either you never quite know when she wants you caged — because, vague — or else she’s started experiencing having you locked as an upfront commitment on her part to sexual activity — because, too specific.
Meanwhile, there’s probably an awkwardness about leaving you locked or not at the end of the evening, which is perhaps putting her off the whole thing, and maybe your chaste adventures seem to be dwindling. As a general rule, women with a dominant streak have little long term tolerance for fuss and effort in the bedroom if it’s not in their direct interest.
So now you have an impasse, which — maddeningly — you can’t easily discuss with her because of that Black Box.
The solution I’ve been talking about in this series is to be routinely locked with zero expectations. That way, you don’t have to guess, and she doesn’t have to commit, and the routine itself removes any sense of pressure, especially if you’re locked for more nights a week than she could possibly want any kind of sex.
And then there’s what to do with the key…
(Rest of article unlocks Friday, (unlike me))
Finding the Right Femdom Window
It’s time for another round of identifying Femdom Windows, but because these are very big windows, you have basically two choices:
Chastity device as diaphragm — The keys are handy and the device can come off whenever she wants. Dick is available.
Chastity device as coil — The keys are out of reach and the device cannot be removed. Dick is not available.
If your timing is good and you guess right, then you’ll probably get an “OK”. Otherwise, you may get the rolled up newspaper treatment from her Normal Non-Sexy Vanilla Self we talked about before.
Timing is a whole other ballgame, but maybe here I can help at least make your guess an educated one…
Identifying Femdom Windows means subjecting your existing sexual relationship to “perspective taking”. You need to make an honest attempt to realistically see things from her point-of-view. This is not always a comfortable exercise when you are looking for a place where male chastity would fit, since it’s ultimately about how she feels about your dick.
If you are lucky, she has an obvious teasing or sadistic streak and chastity was a fun addition to your couple repertoire. All you have to do is reduce the overhead to get things back on track to ramp up. If the power to let you out or not is part of her shtick, then — congratulations! — your device is a diaphragm and the keys go in her bedside cabinet. Otherwise, unless she actually gloats over having the key, your device is a coil and the keys stay in your car’s glove compartment or a time-locking safe or whatever.
If your chastity is rarely about teasing or sadism, then how do your sessions normally end? If she generally leaves you locked, then go for coil — she will appreciate skipping the emotional labour of having to positively decide to keep you locked each and every time. However, if she always unlocks you so you can finish, then what is her mood? If she’s enthusiastic and engaged, or even demanding, then go with diaphragm so there’s nothing in the way of her spontaneity. If, on the other hand, she’s disengaged or half asleep, then, it’s the coil. Unlocking you was probably a tiresome bookend that put her off exploring male chastity further.
The First Rule of the Femdom Window is Don’t Talk about the Femdom Window
Maybe you’re comfortable with all of this. However, she might not be.
From her point of view, the selling point of male chastity is that she can be cruel (LOL, no dick!) and/or selfish (Phew, no dick!). These are pretty dark things to admit to enjoying, especially at the expense of somebody she loves, and she can’t discuss them to make herself feel better.
Worse, since she doesn’t discuss sex, she can’t pretend that she’s merely humouring you because it’s not as if you’ve had a lengthy conversation about your fantasies. Nor can she frame it all as a “fun couple game” because to get there also involves a conversation.
So, if she’s doing cruelty and selfishness, she’s doing it for real.
Fortunately, since all that happens inside her Black Box, you probably only need to approach her in such a way that her Vanilla Non Sexual Self need not reflect on or own the kink.
The end result is something like…
I miss being locked. Is it OK if I lock up at night this weekend and put the key out in the bathroom cabinet (diaphragm option)/ out of reach (coil option)? I’m not expecting us to do anything.
If that works out, you can then suggest a more regular routine. (If not, then you’ll need to think about whether and how to get her to actually talk about the subject. Good luck.)
The good news is that there’s a reward for navigating around that Black Box: if she’s doing cruelty and selfishness, she’s doing it for real. That’s as good as you’ll get without a working knowledge of Latin and a time portal to Ancient Rome.
