How to get her to be a crueller keyholder when she won't talk about your chastity (but still seems to enjoy it) #1
Meet the Black Box!
Xena tells me that she doesn’t introspect about the kink. She just does what suits her.
It feels as if her kinky self sits inside a Black Box, to which neither of us have conscious access.
Initially, this drove me crazy. I like introspecting — look at this substack! — and shared introspection feels like intimacy… it’s all about Brené Brown’s Marble Jars and Trust. (God I hope she doesn’t google herself.)
However, over the years I’ve realised that, though it’s unfashionable, there are many couples who have sex without ever really talking about it in the way we’re all supposed to.
Women in particular — especially older demographics — have often been raised to be “nice”. Conversation about sex, if it happens, is all hints and euphemisms. And I think a lot of men go along with this because if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Though all this goes against the modern injunction “Though Shalt Communicate About Sex” — let’s call them — Black Box Couples are often surprisingly spontaneous in bed.
So I think there’s more to the Black Box than inhibition.
The Black Box is actually sexy and potentially really kinky
Not talking about sex isn’t the same as not doing it. In fact, logically, a guarantee of not talking about it is also a guarantee of not being accountable for it, which seems like a pretty good pathway to exploring kink in an unconstrained way.
Maybe that’s why vanilla dominants — that is “otherwise vanilla people enjoying sexually dominant roles” — are often reported as being uncomfortable with meta conversations about the dynamic.
I think some obvious factors get in the way of kinky meta conversations. There’s domme fragility, ironically the one thing that does maybe improve with talking about it. Also, in the moment, it’s awkward to talk about the dynamic anyway, because him wanting her to force him to do what he doesn’t want because he wants it doesn’t really make sense without a really deep dive into the mechanisms behind Sexual Masochism and Submission.
…him wanting her to force him to do what he doesn’t want because he wants it doesn’t really make sense
However, similar to the topic of vanilla sex, I think the reticence around kink is primarily driven by an urge to not shine the light into the Black Box. Anything to avoid the scrutiny of her Non-Sexy Headspace!
So, if you’re stuck with the Black Box, how do you get her to ramp things up?
Are there secret subtle tricks to make her crueller? Is it possible to become a Keyholder Whisperer?
No.
However, what you can do is work with the existence of the Black Box, not subtly or secretly — this is not about manipulation — but directly, and do so in ways that avoid triggering her Non-Sexy Headspace.
There are three broad approaches to getting a Black Box keyholder to be crueller, and maybe to take the path towards being a full Virgo — I’m not joking when I say, careful what you wish for:
Default is unlocked, but her Black Box can mandate chastity.
Default is locked, and her Black Box has sole veto on your chastity.
Default is locked, and her Non-Sexy Headspace has sole veto on your chastity.
In reality, the second and third approaches are subsets of the first. The third approach is actually the most powerful, but what’s likely to take depends on the nature of your relationship.
You’ll have to be very careful and realistic about what you are offering, and use emotional intelligence and good timing to avoid getting the rolled up newspaper treatment from her Non-Sexy Headspace.
That’s what the next part of this series is about…
COMPETITION: In the meantime, if you can think of a better term than “Non-Sexy Headspace” please let me know in the comments. If I use your suggestion (if you were the first to make it) then I’ll comp you a month of paid subscription!
I have no comments on the black box (and I'm still thinking about the non sexy headspace) but I do have quite a bit to say about Not Talking.
Almost enough for a wanky (in a non sexy sense) analytical post, but as I Don't Do This Kind of Thing Anymore, here's a lengthy comment/note.
I'm very introspective, and even more wankily analytical. See above. And yet. In my (in some ways very weird, in other ways fairly standard) so called lived experience, once you are doing it, talking about sex *beyond the necessary minimum* TENDS TO result in -- or possibly *results from* -- less than ideal relationships/dynamics. This applies to both vanilla and kinky stuff. I'm undecided on talking about sex before doing it - I very much like it, I think it's needed for kinky activities without a "default" mode and probably inevitable with a long virtual intro period, and not detrimental imo.
And obviously some kind of debrief feedback after a proper scene especially with a new partner is very useful.
But once we get to a more intimate, regular connection, I think it's better to talk less. By "talking about sex" I *specifically* mean the kind of talking we are nowadays encouraged to do with our intimate partners, i.e. introspective analytical sharing of feelings and meanings. I think talking about activities, fantasies or technicalities is absolutely fine *as long as both parties enjoy it*.
I've also noticed that a number of people with seemingly successful kinky sex lives AND those analytical streaks might engage in discussing those in anonymous online spaces (fetlife, Reddit, or even here) *by themselves*. Often not in any kind of secret from their partners. But as a thing that's separate from the sexual relationship. I feel this is healthy.
Now, if one is thus inclined, there's a temptation to do it with one's partner. I counsel moderation in that: some is good, because feedback is good, but much can spiral into absolutely exhausting over analysis. This is hard to avoid when both people are thus inclined, and I don't have solutions here apart from suggesting a complementary matching strategy.
>vanilla dominants — that is “otherwise vanilla people enjoying sexually dominant roles” — are often reported as being uncomfortable with meta conversations about the dynamic.
I don't know about that, but my observation is that vanilla people who function well as "sorta vanilla subs" -- either happily put up with or enjoy a partner being sexually in charge -- most definitely don't want to discuss it explicitly (I suspect men and women for very different reasons) and if you are a d-type in possession of such a person leave them be & enjoy.