I have no comments on the black box (and I'm still thinking about the non sexy headspace) but I do have quite a bit to say about Not Talking.
Almost enough for a wanky (in a non sexy sense) analytical post, but as I Don't Do This Kind of Thing Anymore, here's a lengthy comment/note.
I'm very introspective, and even more wankily analytical. See above. And yet. In my (in some ways very weird, in other ways fairly standard) so called lived experience, once you are doing it, talking about sex *beyond the necessary minimum* TENDS TO result in -- or possibly *results from* -- less than ideal relationships/dynamics. This applies to both vanilla and kinky stuff. I'm undecided on talking about sex before doing it - I very much like it, I think it's needed for kinky activities without a "default" mode and probably inevitable with a long virtual intro period, and not detrimental imo.
And obviously some kind of debrief feedback after a proper scene especially with a new partner is very useful.
But once we get to a more intimate, regular connection, I think it's better to talk less. By "talking about sex" I *specifically* mean the kind of talking we are nowadays encouraged to do with our intimate partners, i.e. introspective analytical sharing of feelings and meanings. I think talking about activities, fantasies or technicalities is absolutely fine *as long as both parties enjoy it*.
I've also noticed that a number of people with seemingly successful kinky sex lives AND those analytical streaks might engage in discussing those in anonymous online spaces (fetlife, Reddit, or even here) *by themselves*. Often not in any kind of secret from their partners. But as a thing that's separate from the sexual relationship. I feel this is healthy.
Now, if one is thus inclined, there's a temptation to do it with one's partner. I counsel moderation in that: some is good, because feedback is good, but much can spiral into absolutely exhausting over analysis. This is hard to avoid when both people are thus inclined, and I don't have solutions here apart from suggesting a complementary matching strategy.
>vanilla dominants — that is “otherwise vanilla people enjoying sexually dominant roles” — are often reported as being uncomfortable with meta conversations about the dynamic.
I don't know about that, but my observation is that vanilla people who function well as "sorta vanilla subs" -- either happily put up with or enjoy a partner being sexually in charge -- most definitely don't want to discuss it explicitly (I suspect men and women for very different reasons) and if you are a d-type in possession of such a person leave them be & enjoy.
I have no comments on the black box (and I'm still thinking about the non sexy headspace) but I do have quite a bit to say about Not Talking.
Almost enough for a wanky (in a non sexy sense) analytical post, but as I Don't Do This Kind of Thing Anymore, here's a lengthy comment/note.
I'm very introspective, and even more wankily analytical. See above. And yet. In my (in some ways very weird, in other ways fairly standard) so called lived experience, once you are doing it, talking about sex *beyond the necessary minimum* TENDS TO result in -- or possibly *results from* -- less than ideal relationships/dynamics. This applies to both vanilla and kinky stuff. I'm undecided on talking about sex before doing it - I very much like it, I think it's needed for kinky activities without a "default" mode and probably inevitable with a long virtual intro period, and not detrimental imo.
And obviously some kind of debrief feedback after a proper scene especially with a new partner is very useful.
But once we get to a more intimate, regular connection, I think it's better to talk less. By "talking about sex" I *specifically* mean the kind of talking we are nowadays encouraged to do with our intimate partners, i.e. introspective analytical sharing of feelings and meanings. I think talking about activities, fantasies or technicalities is absolutely fine *as long as both parties enjoy it*.
I've also noticed that a number of people with seemingly successful kinky sex lives AND those analytical streaks might engage in discussing those in anonymous online spaces (fetlife, Reddit, or even here) *by themselves*. Often not in any kind of secret from their partners. But as a thing that's separate from the sexual relationship. I feel this is healthy.
Now, if one is thus inclined, there's a temptation to do it with one's partner. I counsel moderation in that: some is good, because feedback is good, but much can spiral into absolutely exhausting over analysis. This is hard to avoid when both people are thus inclined, and I don't have solutions here apart from suggesting a complementary matching strategy.
>vanilla dominants — that is “otherwise vanilla people enjoying sexually dominant roles” — are often reported as being uncomfortable with meta conversations about the dynamic.
I don't know about that, but my observation is that vanilla people who function well as "sorta vanilla subs" -- either happily put up with or enjoy a partner being sexually in charge -- most definitely don't want to discuss it explicitly (I suspect men and women for very different reasons) and if you are a d-type in possession of such a person leave them be & enjoy.