Rule #6: Don't be afraid to use your submission to address real issues
12 Rules of Malesub Life: An Antidote to Being a Loser or a Pest (articles unlock every Sunday)
For who exactly I mean by malesub, see the Introduction.
One sunny afternoon with the light streaming through the net curtains of my college room, I kissed an exchange student called Greta.
She had a big squishy tongue that filled my mouth. Her blouse and skirt just fell away, as did my jeans and T-shirt and we ended up on the bed.
I fondled her ample breasts, stroked her legs, worked my way to between her thighs.
"Not in there," she said. "It hurts to have sex."
"Oh," I said.
After a moment, I said, "Fine. We don't have to have sex." Then I thought, what the Hell, nothing to lose, "How about I be your slave and do everything you want?"
It was a risk, more so than nowadays. This was before the Internet, before 50 Shades of Grey. This wasn't me suggesting she experiment with an edgy subculture. This was me inviting her to be a pervert.
Oh, and we both still had on our underwear!
Greta looked amused. "Oh, OK. Let's try that."
So I dug out a collar, a leash, and a riding whip.
Greta had me strip off fully, inspected me, then had me kiss her belly and the exposed flesh of her breasts, then take off her bra and lick her nipples, then gnaw them much harder than I thought she’d want.
Finally, with a look of determination, she stood up and slid her panties over her wide hips. This was the first time I'd gone into a first sexual encounter as a slave. This was also as close to being a fantasy sex slave as I could imagine. I was horribly, horribly turned on.
I'd expected wild black curls to match her hair. Instead she had a shaved pussy — my first and last encounter with such. "Go on," she said with a broad cat-smile, "lick me."
So I did. She was a bit stubbly, to be honest but I was her slave and I licked and it was liberating not to care.
All that was a long time ago! However, I think she had more than one orgasm.
I can’t recall how I got off, but it wasn’t through penetrating her.
Afterwards, Greta stood by the bed, still naked and magnificently buxom. She flourished the whip — which she hadn't really used except to direct the action — and said with her wide grin, "I was made for this!"
How would I feel about always doing it that way?
That was the first but not the last time I’ve been asked that.
The thing is, what we did that sunny afternoon was real.
Greta didn’t come into the room kinky (though she probably left it “Femdom curious”).
As far as I could tell, what motivated her was just getting the things she wanted without the pressure to get the thing she didn’t want — my dick.
Vaginismus, which I assume was Greta’s condition, is a serious real issue but my submission did a neat end run around it. These days, I have a 20-something online friend a lot like Greta, who deliberately sought out a boyfriend with a chastity fetish — so she’s using his submission as a workaround, and reports that they are both very happy.
I suspect that there are plenty of other real issues and situations where a woman might find having a submissive man to be convenient, or even to be the only possible partner.
That doesn’t mean you should rush in as a human patch. Relationships need other things as well, and nobody — except perhaps a submissive — likes to be objectified. However, if kink is already on the table, don’t be afraid of delicately and respectfully offer it up as a way to make things work.
Submission particularly applies to the long haul of life partnership.
While you’re waiting for this to unlock, read the other 12 Rules for Malesub Life.
My wife Xena went off penetration as she entered middle age. This is quite common, and explains many of those 50-something men addling themselves with porn to escape dead bedrooms. It also likely leads to a lot of women enduring penetration, or feeling guilty about avoiding it; either course is a passion killer.
However, we still have a lively sex life… only I’m permanently locked in chastity.
Xena’s demanding career means my life has to revolve around supporting her. To complicate matters, my high-powered wife’s domestic standards are higher than mine. That’s a lot of potential for miscommunication, resentment and relationship damage.
Fortunately, we have a Female Led Relationship. Xena just tells me what to do. Since we have domestic discipline going on, mismatched standards make all this painfully exciting…
When things aren’t exciting, because she’s tired and stressed, she can rely on a mute slave to look after her, with no implied obligation.
And maybe all that resolves some stuff to do with our attachment styles.
Your submission can also give your dominant admin access to your mind.
If you do have a lifestyle dynamic like ours, then you can ask your dominant to act as — what a friend called — your outsourced Super Ego.
If Xena tells me I’m only allowed so many beers, or to stick to my exercise regime, then I limit my drinking and do my exercises.
If I’m fretting and ruminating, she can tell me not to and maybe make me kneel in the corner. Cheaper than therapy!
This kind of hack only works if you’re open to her voice, and don’t roll it into a game of bratting.
You also have to be very careful not to overuse this. Most dominants don’t want to parent their subs. Adulting is a service you must offer up.
There is, of course, a dark flip side to this.
If you step up as a submissive, then there’s a risk of becoming an enabler. Her — say — substance abuse isn’t your service opportunity.
There’s also the hazard of overcommitting then cruelly under-delivering. My friend’s chaste boyfriend had better be prepared for the long term.
If you use kink to facilitate your life partnership, then you’re pretty much locked into the kink by love and enmeshed lives.
And if you internalise your dominant’s commands, you’d better not have, e.g., married a sociopath.
So your submission is magic, but you have to use it with care.
However, if you are careful and respectful, then you should not be afraid to use your submission to address real issues.
While you’re waiting for the next of the 12 Rules for Malesub Life, tale a look at my manifesto…
