Rule #2: Cleave to the real, because the myths will get in the way of doing actual Femdom
12 Rules of Malesub Life: An Antidote to Being a Loser or a Pest (articles unlock every Sunday)
For who exactly I mean by malesub, see the Introduction.
Communities have their myths. Knights had Camelot. The British have WWII (“What Empire?” ). The Americans — depending on politics — have the Wild West and Woodstock. And BDSM folk have what Miss Pearl memorably called Magic Kinky Sex Narnia.
Rule #2 is about Magic Femdom Sex Narnia and its variations.
Magic Femdom Sex Narnia is the enchanted realm where gather those exalted dominatrixes who have served their apprenticeships and ascended through the hierarchy, that is, when they’re not strutting their stuff in luxurious urban dungeons or in the bunkers of tech billionaires.
The privileged malesub initiate wears a gimp suit or rubber maid outfit while serving tea to elegantly corseted leather-clad ladies, who barely notice him while they discuss attending Gynarchy School on a secret volcano island…
And there are Protocols and Sacred Traditions, and very specific procedures for Approaching a Mistress, and Special Magic Words you must use. Maybe there’s even a Submissive School that will issue you with a certificate…
Unfortunately, there’s a snag.
Magic Femdom Sex Narnia does not exist, nor has it ever really existed.
Sure, burrow back into Femdom’s murky historical roots and you’ll find an underground world of bondage clubs and secret Houses of Pain, and a traditional etiquette derived from Gay Leather Families… something like that at any rate.
And, yes, nowadays, fabulous modern dominatrices do arrange Femdom high-teas and residential adventures in actual French castles if you have the money for it. There’s even talk of reviving the frankly terrifying Other World Kingdom Femdom micronation in the Czech Republic. Some prodommes do serve an apprenticeship.
However, at the end of the session or weekend, the “mistresses” go back to their ordinary apartments and house shares, the paying slaves back to their real lives. There’s no secret global community (other than Fetlife), no graduation path from paying client to member of an elite pool of slaves traded between exotic European mistresses, all of whom are former international models.
Alas, Magic Sex Femdom Narnia is the kinky equivalent of Renaissance Fairs and Theme Parks. There’s a loose community and local traditions, but what you see is all you really get.
And that’s a problem because older wannabe malesubs can spend their lives yearning for Magic Sex Femdom Narnia!
If they abandon dead bedrooms and domestic responsibilities, they trip over their own knees trying to find the realm. “Would you like to see this one’s references, now, Mistress? What tribute is required, Mistress, so you can put this unworthy slave Under Consideration?”
It’s as if they believe there really is a Magic Code that will grant them entry into the Femdom paradise.
They may also first try to manifest Magic Sex Femdom Narnia with initially-broad-minded-but-actually-running-out-of-patience wives and girlfriends. Either they try to impose its culture — “This is the way”— or treat it as a kind of augmented reality overlay — “Don’t worry about the state of the house, it is time for this Humble Slave to Worship Your Divine boots…”
At the root of all this is that Magic Femdom Sex Narnia is a fantasy skin evolved to cloak the escalating structure of client/prodomme relationships with a dignified air of mystery and magic… at its best it’s about weaving necessary vetting and filtering into an absorbing erotic journey.
However, as should be obvious, it is therefore neither a good framework for Femdom dating, nor for introducing Femdom to an existing relationship. Openly dominant women mostly date like vanilla women, but with more negotiations and checklists. Except perhaps for “play only” relationships, they reserve what protocol they like for the bedroom, or negotiated dynamics. Where there’s a longer term relationship that goes beyond play dates, then it is an actual relationship with an expectation of companionship. Critically, it’s a lot easier to get a novice to try Femdom if you don’t overload her with rules and expectations centring your own pleasure.
So, the Magic Code was your combined looks and character all along. Sorry.
And when a woman actually dominates you, except for special occasions, it still doesn’t look much like Magic Femdom Sex Narnia.
Sure, she may dress up, but it will be with her own comfort and convenience in mind. The action will be mostly centred on whatever floats her boat. Unless it’s specifically her thing, don’t expect her to have a lot of complex BDSM skills of the kind they teach in workshops, nor any deep interest in crafting an experience for you. If you have any routine domestic service going on, you won’t be spending a lot of time in your — checks notes — rubber mermaid suit. Tea is served to her in bed, and she sleeps in an old Garfield T-shirt. She generally prefers a good foot rub to having her boots licked. And, no, she generally doesn’t have a range of costumes and a castle to keep them in…
So far so funny! Look at all those misguided men, LOL.
However, now look inside yourself. What myths do you carry? OK, you are maybe free of the original Magic Femdom Sex Narnia, but are you carrying its variant?
If you are outside the real life BDSM scene, do you maybe have the urge to steer your partner towards what you think are its cultures and practices?
If you are into male chastity, do you have a whole laundry list of expectations that are really demands focussed on you and your locked junk?
Ultimately, the problem with believing in Femdom myths is that they not only get in the way of opportunities to submit for real, they also get in the way of dominant women — especially those new to it — dominating for real, or maybe ever.
Which seems like a tragic missing of the point.
All this is why you should cleave to the real, because the myths will get in the way of actual Femdom.
While you’re waiting for the next Rule, tale a look at my manifesto…