"I can’t argue with her because on a gut level I am afraid the femdom might go away."
AND
"Also, I have everything to gain by putting up with things I don’t like in order to get to the next adventure. (This probably applies to play partners as well. The domme is racking up domme time, whereas the sub is suffering towards a particular moment of release, relief, or catharsis. She has no reason to do things she doesn’t like, and if she does stop, he’s suffered for nothing.)"
well and perfectly stated...explaining my current mental torment in a nutshell, as I remain in relatively close proximity to a Domme that has no interest in discussing long term plans together. The suffering is real.
OR in the case of the hypno files I've been listening to more often, willing to put up with the fact I know the Domme I listen to isn't a real relationship. which is just about the same kind of suffering.
My conclusion as well, which of course begs the question is it truly hard wired? something that I can't change? Is there something I can do to ease that suffering? I mean I already have to classify myself as single to keep my sanity, and the only other experience I have to draw on is that sadistic nurse I've told you about before. I had someone spank me to tears in order to get over that loss, but then that is someone I will never see or talk to again, which would not be the case in dealing with the local Domme I mentioned.
I think there has to be a basic wiring for these things.. However, I think we wear deep channels in our soul. I'm not sure we can go back as such, but maybe we can develop happier paths. The theme I keep coming back to is femdom as a love language and relationship style, the love and the relationship part being really important.
I know it doesn't really do any good to bring it up but fuck it might as well. The situation I am in is that I am essentially emotionally attached to a Domme, but that Domme is essentially only a friends with benefits, if we have a scene it is MONTHS apart sometimes over a year, in the meantime all I can do is take her to dinner or a movie, sometimes shopping, but that is rare. She decided from the start that she didn't want a real relationship, because if we were living together and I am obviously kinky, then she would be outed to her family. Her line of thinking not mine. On top of that she doesn't drive I do. On top of that I can rarely make plans in advance because they will be cancelled as her family uses her as a free babysitter all the time. On top of that she doesn't like surprises. On top of that we work different shifts. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I may be getting to a point where I say it might be worth it to begin talking to a prodomme more seriously.
Maybe, the real issue is that she likes control over her environment and plenty of space, and doesn't like an implicit sense of obligation. Could you perhaps pitch a relationship style, or way of living together, where she maintains control over her space and doesn't get surprises?
I always thought of this as "role effect" but it wouldn't surprise me if something like those four systems had neurological reality to it.
This "it's the same emotions" thing explains some behaviours that I always thought were very weird, like subs seeming to feel genuinely (FOR REAL) guilty for completely "invented" (no harm apart from disobedience) transgressions. But then for someone into d/s I have very low regard for obedience and authority as values in themselves so there's that.
"I can’t argue with her because on a gut level I am afraid the femdom might go away."
AND
"Also, I have everything to gain by putting up with things I don’t like in order to get to the next adventure. (This probably applies to play partners as well. The domme is racking up domme time, whereas the sub is suffering towards a particular moment of release, relief, or catharsis. She has no reason to do things she doesn’t like, and if she does stop, he’s suffered for nothing.)"
well and perfectly stated...explaining my current mental torment in a nutshell, as I remain in relatively close proximity to a Domme that has no interest in discussing long term plans together. The suffering is real.
OR in the case of the hypno files I've been listening to more often, willing to put up with the fact I know the Domme I listen to isn't a real relationship. which is just about the same kind of suffering.
Basically a structural trap.
My conclusion as well, which of course begs the question is it truly hard wired? something that I can't change? Is there something I can do to ease that suffering? I mean I already have to classify myself as single to keep my sanity, and the only other experience I have to draw on is that sadistic nurse I've told you about before. I had someone spank me to tears in order to get over that loss, but then that is someone I will never see or talk to again, which would not be the case in dealing with the local Domme I mentioned.
I think there has to be a basic wiring for these things.. However, I think we wear deep channels in our soul. I'm not sure we can go back as such, but maybe we can develop happier paths. The theme I keep coming back to is femdom as a love language and relationship style, the love and the relationship part being really important.
I know it doesn't really do any good to bring it up but fuck it might as well. The situation I am in is that I am essentially emotionally attached to a Domme, but that Domme is essentially only a friends with benefits, if we have a scene it is MONTHS apart sometimes over a year, in the meantime all I can do is take her to dinner or a movie, sometimes shopping, but that is rare. She decided from the start that she didn't want a real relationship, because if we were living together and I am obviously kinky, then she would be outed to her family. Her line of thinking not mine. On top of that she doesn't drive I do. On top of that I can rarely make plans in advance because they will be cancelled as her family uses her as a free babysitter all the time. On top of that she doesn't like surprises. On top of that we work different shifts. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I may be getting to a point where I say it might be worth it to begin talking to a prodomme more seriously.
Could you maybe be less "obviously kinky"?
Could you fix the shift issue?
Maybe, the real issue is that she likes control over her environment and plenty of space, and doesn't like an implicit sense of obligation. Could you perhaps pitch a relationship style, or way of living together, where she maintains control over her space and doesn't get surprises?
Very nice indeed.
I always thought of this as "role effect" but it wouldn't surprise me if something like those four systems had neurological reality to it.
This "it's the same emotions" thing explains some behaviours that I always thought were very weird, like subs seeming to feel genuinely (FOR REAL) guilty for completely "invented" (no harm apart from disobedience) transgressions. But then for someone into d/s I have very low regard for obedience and authority as values in themselves so there's that.