Locktober Relationship Rescue for Exasperated Wives and Girlfriends

An insider guide to hacking his chastity fetish to get it just the way you want it...

Photo by Lukáš Parničan on Unsplash

We’re about halfway through “Locktober” — the month when male chastity fetishists worldwide try to stay locked — and some of the guys are becoming annoying.

Sorry!

The two-week mark is roughly when the horniness peaks, and men’s locked dicks nudge us to become pushy and needy. Also, for wives and girlfriends, one week is a novelty, but two is a pattern; can you really be bothered with another two weeks of this?

I won’t presume to tell you what to do, but I will assume that if you're reading this, you’re a woman whose husband or boyfriend — it’s usually a husband — has become one of those annoying locked men I’m talking about, and you’re wondering what to do about it.

Maybe you thought it would be fun. Perhaps you already have a kinky relationship and this was supposed to be a shared adventure. Or, maybe you just thought it was his thing and didn’t realise how it would impact on you.

I’m an insider to this. My wife and I have been successfully practising male chastity in our relationship for over fifteen years, and I’ve been researching and writing about it for about the same time. By “successfully practicing”, I mean that my kink works very nicely indeed for my wife who prefers me this way, and we’re both very happy in our own weird way.

So, though I’m not going to tell you what to do — this isn’t one of those suspiciously fappy happy marriage websites which teaches you to hone your dominatrix skills— I am going to suggest things that you can do that might work surprisingly well for you.

If you’re already too annoyed by the whole thing to read on, then here’s the summary:

You get out of male chastity what you own.

But, maybe the rest of the article might be useful.

What’s gone wrong with your Locktober?

Before I write more, we need to make sure we’re on the same page.

If you stopped enjoying Locktober because you like his dick and miss normal sex, then much of what follows won’t apply, except perhaps to get at least something out of the experience.

More likely, Locktober has become irritating for one or more of the following reasons coming from the man’s side:

• Won’t shut up about chastity.

• Confusing and/or inarticulate attempts to explain his fetish and follow through.

• Sexually “always on”.

• Assumption that your experience will mirror his.

• Possibly a lot of fuss unlocking and locking for cleaning and practical reasons.

• Overall, a laundry list of demands based on porn and scripts lifted from fappy websites.

Something like that?

Unfortunately, this is what male vulnerability — the kind of thing podcaster Brene Brown talks about — actually tends to look like. We men are just not very used to doing this. On the upside, vulnerability is one of the things that gives you leverage. I’ll get to that.

But first…

What can you get out of Locktober?

He’s probably tried to sell you on the benefits of male chastity. Since you’re reading this, I’m guessing he’s done a bad job of distinguishing your wishes and needs from those of a fantasy sex bot.

Even so, I promise, Locktober can offer you some genuine benefits if you are comfortable with taking them.

• Domesticity 2.0: Maybe you’d like control over his to-do list for a while?

• Peace: It’s a really low bar but maybe, like so many married men, he’s tripped over it and his sexuality is so much in your face that it’s crowded out yours?

• Control in Bed: Maybe you’d like to control what goes on in the bed?

• No Penis: Were you initially intrigued by the possibility of a chastity cage putting his penis out of play?

• Upgraded Penis: Maybe you like penetrative sex, but prefer a dildo to the real thing?

• Chastity Without Overhead : Does his chastity fetish come with too much baggage and fuss?

These are all experiences, not feelings, and they probably won’t all apply to you. It’s possible the combination of what you do want seems odd — maybe you want Peace and an Upgraded Penis? It doesn’t matter. If you’re prepared to be just little bit pragmatic, all of the above are probably there for the taking.

More details to follow. But first…

What does he really want from Locktober?

The chances are that your locked husband or boyfriend is all, or maybe some, of the following:

• Masochist — Wants what he doesn’t like, likes what he doesn’t want. This is a very human thing, the erotic version of what makes people watch Horror movies, bungee jump, or run ultra marathons. We masochists generally exist poised on a slippery slope at the exact balance point between wanting and not wanting. It doesn’t take much to nudge us down the slope, and being masochists we enjoy that scary loss of control for its own sake.

• Submissive — Wants to be told what to do at least some of the time. Some people have strong submissive streaks, but not all the time. You can at least can assume he’s approaching Locktober from a submissive headspace.

• Sensualist — Men don’t really have much of an orgasmic plateau phase; it’s all build up, a short peak, then an anti-climatic splat! That’s doubly true for those of us who spend too much time getting off to porn. We literally condition ourselves to come quickly and joylessly. The chastity cage gives us a delicious plateau phase, and literally locks us into it.

• Vulnerable — All of the above is a lot to admit to, which explains why we lean into “approved” ways" of doing chastity. Most importantly, we’re afraid both of rejection in general, and the rejection of our kink in our relationship in particular.

Taken together, this is probably where the much-masturbated over keyholder laundry list actually points. That’s gives you a lot of leverage!

The ABCD of approaches to get what you want

So he’s probably a masochist, submissive, sensualist whose kink makes him feel vulnerable. (CAVEAT: If some of that doesn’t seem to apply, you’ll have to adjust accordingly.)

This gives you four overlapping approaches, each of which pings at least some of his buttons. None of these approaches require you to roleplay or dress up or use “feminine wiles” (whatever those are supposed to be) or be anything other than yourself.

• AMUSED: You don’t have to find our predicament hot all the time, or at all. Male chastity is funny. Men in chastity cages are silly. It’s OK to laugh at us. If you feel like teasing us just because it’s funny — not because it turns you on — that’s also OK. Female laughter pings our masochism, makes it hard for us to resist our submissive urges.

• BUY IN: Be bought in to the idea of Locktober. Treat it as real and non-negotiable, a done deal, like Christmas or Thanksgiving. The only question is how to enjoy it on your terms: “To me, Locktober means…”
  Any buy-in from you will be a relief, but also exciting as he senses a growing loss of control. You can amplify all this by being patient of the genuine practical arrangements around his lock-up, and by taking responsibility for any sex toys you might want to deploy.
  (And, of course, your ultimate sanction is to withdraw Buy In. Your locked man has maybe three chances, after which you should just pull the plug on Locktober.)

• CYNICAL: Take the attitude that you are mostly just using his fetish to get what you want, and only what you want. Even if you’re not remotely turned on by all of this, you’re still not catering. Instead, you are cheerfully exploiting. That pings his submission and masochism, and feels like buy-in (which it is).
  Better still, if you take this attitude in bed, it generates an exquisite sensual experience for him without you going to any extra effort. His fantasies might revolve around being actively teased, but the reality of you getting off when he can’t will be mind-blowing. Meanwhile, you do get off entirely on your terms—which might take you back to being amused.

• DOMINANT: Take charge explicitly and unapologetically, not through hinting or dropping remarks. There’s no need to micromanage — you can set targets or objectives — but you can’t get what you want without saying what it is! He should comply because he yearns to be told what to do. If he doesn’t “like” it, that will ping his masochism. Knowing he’s doing as he’s told will make him feel less vulnerable. If you feel comfortable, you can throw in threats of “negative punishment”, as in taking away something away that he likes — maybe non-compliance earns him a night in the spare room. Ultimately you can withdraw Buy In.

Using the ABCD Approaches to get the benefits

Here’s how this might work for you. What follows are not supposed to be scripts, but rather illustrative talking points that might help you find your own words.

Non Sexual Standards and Sexual Boundary Benefits

First, we have stuff that’s either about non-sexual standards or about setting sexual boundaries. To a man, these look like no-brainers. You, however, may feel that leaning into his chastity fetish is rewarding his bad behaviour and also bringing sex into places where it’s not wanted.

Maybe Locktober is an opportunity to experiment with a compromise without committing to anything long term? At least at the end of it, he won’t be able to claim you didn’t give him a chance!

Domesticity 2.0: It sounds fappy and borderline dishonest to suggest locking up his cock will make him a better partner. However, some things must simply matter more to you than to him. You are bound to have different domestic priorities. Locktober is a chance for you to decide his priorities for him.

• A: “Too bad you’re horny all the time!”

• B: “Locktober isn’t over yet.”

• C: “You can put some of that spare energy to good use.”

• D: “Here’s a list of jobs I expect you go get through before you come to bed.”

Peace: Perhaps, when he’s not pestering you, he’s lost in porn world, which can feel vaguely passive aggressive and doesn’t make him any more attractive. Or maybe his chastity fetish has reared up at a time when sex is low priority, or off the cards due to some combination of work, energy, health and family life. Rekindling the spark might be nice, but he needs to give you the breathing space first. If you frame it right, you can use Locktober to get just this.

• A: “All this suffering serves you right after all that…!”

• B: “But you’re stuck in chastity for the whole Locktober so you’d better just deal with it.”

• C: “I’m taking a break from your constant demands.” (Option: “Maybe it’ll be good for our sex life, long term.”)

• D: “So, for the rest of the month, no talking about sex, no porn, no masturbation. You can suffer in silence. Chastity means actual chastity.”

Erotic Benefits

Then we have erotic benefits that aren’t really kinky in themselves. Most men who are into chastity would find these a turn on. However, some of this stuff might be hard for you to own.

Fortunately, Locktober isn’t your fault. He’s stuck with it, so really you’d just be stepping up to make things work…

Control in Bed: Horny men’s enthusiasm often exceeds our ability to listen or take instruction in bed. Locktober creates a situation where he’s in no rush to get to his orgasm (because he can’t have one) and where he’s probably really keen for you to tell him what to do.

• A: “Careful what you wish for, LOL.” (This generally applies to all of these.)

• B: “No orgasms for you until the end of Locktober!”

• C: “That means we can focus on me.”

• D: “You can start by…”

No Penis: A surprising number of women go off penetrative sex as they get older. Some, for physical or sensory reasons, were never really into it except when there was dollops of new relationship energy. The good news is that Locktober means no penis.

• A: “Well this is amusing.”

• B: “No working penis for all of Locktober!”

• C: “I get to enjoy myself without having to service you.”

• D: “The rules are I never see you naked without your cage.” (So making the cage like a male coil rather than a condom.)

Upgraded Penis: It’s not entirely unreasonable to prefer a dildo to a real penis. Dildos come sized to fit. They reliably keep going until you come, then stop. They don’t leak or spurt or make a mess or leave a full condom or a sticky vagina. You can’t (generally!) get pregnant using one. Locktober can be the Month of Chaste Strap-on Sex.

• A: “Look at your face!”

• B: “This is your penis for the rest of Locktober!” (Ideally you’ve just produced a dildo and strap-on harness, even better if you purchased it yourself.)

• C: “This gives me sex without the mess/just the right sized dick.”

• D: “Keep going until I say stop.”

Kinky Benefits

Finally, we come to kink!

If you’re turned on by male chastity, or just like the non-kinky benefits, then you already know what you like. Therefore, Locktober offers you just one benefit.

Chastity without Overhead : Overhead includes games he expects you to play, practical arrangements like locking and unlocking for hygiene, and the whole mess and fuss around male chastity. Locktober is a chance to ditch the laundry list and just get what you want.

• A: “Careful what you wish for!”

• B: “This Locktober is for me, not you.”

• C: “I like you locked, but there’s too much fuss and bother.”

• D: “Here are the rules…”

You Get What You Own

All this is what I meant when I said, “You get what you own.”

The ABCD approaches really boil down to: Own what you want, own the power relationship.

Him being locked is like you having the TV remote…

Locktober and beyond?

Once you’ve finally reached the end of adventure, the same approaches apply. Assuming a positive experience, it might look like this:

• A: “I think I ended up enjoying Locktober more than you did.”

• B: “Well done!” (That’s really important in order to show buy in.)

• C: “It was great using your kink to get the things I wanted.”

• D: “We’re definitely doing this again next year.”/ “I’m going to rake time to process the experience.”

But what if you now have things just how you like and don’t want to go back? Then that last talking point could be:

• D: “We’re doing another month.”

And after that month is up, you can rinse and repeat. Sooner or later you’ll have to have a proper conversation about it. Maybe.

And maybe it’s time to look at the Chastity Manifesto…

---