Rule #1: In life and in love, be a champion and servant, not a loser.
12 Rules of Malesub Life: An Antidote to Being a Loser or a Pest
For who exactly I mean by malesub, see the Introduction.
There’s this thing you sometimes see in couples; one partner instinctively gets weaker in order to force the other to be stronger.
I suspect that’s the logic of those wannabe malesubs who approach dating from an abject position of anus-flaunting flabby-bellied small-dick boasting self-vandalisation, and also what’s motivating those husbands - it seems it’s always husbands, never boyfriends - who do some or all of that, as well as “confessing” their grossest kinks and masturbation addictions, all in order to nudge their wife into taking charge.
Don’t succumb to that. It’s a bad idea on so many levels.
Ignoring the ethics - and it is unethical, especially in a marriage or other kind of partnership - it’s likely an instant tactical fail.
When dating, most dominant women expect to take the power exchange as a given. They therefore don’t need you to be weak, just submissive. They also need you to be attractive.
Wives, meanwhile, just like any other kind of long-term partner, need a husband who pulls his weight not just practically, but in the relationship, and that includes doing emotional labour and decision-making… the adulting.
Even for a strongly dominant wife, a suddenly dependent and incompetent husband isn’t a god-given chance to take over. Rather, it’s more work and more worry. Any lifestyle power exchange has to improve her life, not make it more stressful.
The test of all this is, “If this were Ancient Rome and I were a slave, would she rent or buy me?”
In Ancient Rome, the proto-femdom would be renting well-trained youths and oiled gladiators for her nights of dark passion. If she were purchasing a - cough - male secretary, she’d want one who she could trust to keep her affairs in order, perhaps run her household, and certainly look good in her entourage. He’d also have to be hot.
If Rome is too much of a stretch of the imagination, think about besuited men in the Mad Men times; the horrid sexist 1950s and 1960s, where he has all the power. Whether it’s for a one-night-stand or a marriage, Mad Men guy is still looking for hot, and for a marriage he wants a wife who can cook and clean and raise kids… in addition to being hot.
Then ask yourself, “If this were vanilla but gender-flipped back into the 1950s, would I get laid or would this revive my marriage?”
Either way, this-pathetic-worm-crapsubs need not apply.
Positioning yourself as a loser is also a bad idea for… I’m struggling for the right term here… for reasons of mental health and personal development.
It’s simply just not good to think of yourself as a pathetic whatever.
Because you’re not.
And the truth is, outside the erotic, healthy malesubs manifest our submissiveness in ways that don’t look submissive unless you look closely. Yes, we tend to get our certainty and focus from outside ourselves. However, this makes us fantastic champions and servants.
Let me suggest some fictional examples:
Maximus from Ridley Scott’s Gladiator. The general who became a slave… We even see him in chains. It’s his nature to champion a worthy leader or cause. It’s not so hard to imagine him stoically giving a really good massage to an imperious lady.
Pepper Potts from the Marvel Comic Universe. Sorry, she’s a woman, but still a good example. She’s Stark’s champion and servant, and formidable in that role. However, you could transplant their relationship to Ancient Rome and have her as his enslaved concubine, and much of the action wouldn’t change.
Then there’s the archetypal Knight of King Arthur, suffering for and serving his lady. Sometimes, like Sir Lancelot, they make a mess of everything, but they are still basically malesubs in doublet and hose.
And there’s the real-world stereotype of the top banker or judge, deeply enmeshed with some high-class prodomme; being a malesub makes him a wonderful champion of a system or organisation, but he needs something different in bed.
Sure, we malesubs have our defences. We’re so easily absorbed or taken advantage of, we’ve learned to avoid the pull of service. We find confrontation stressful, so we flinch from the role of champion.
However, if we choose our cause, community or organisation carefully, and hone up on assertiveness skills (just google!), consider our boundaries, then I think we’re at our happiest in vocations or pastimes that give us the certainty to champion and serve.
And we’re happier still if we focus our lives on worthy friends and even worthier lovers and partners, making their lives better by being the one who thought of the thing, or organised the other thing… the good host and reliable helper who’s there with a helping hand or a vehicle with an empty trunk, or a friendly ear and soft shoulder, but who also gently tends to boundaries to avoid future awkwardness.
And we must carry that attitude into sex and especially kink. We need to be the one who does the research, curates the equipment, handles privacy and sound proofing, does the emotional labour, perhaps offers up possible new “games”… always taking something she already likes and working out ways to improve it unreasonably through kink.
There’s more of course — that’s for the other Rules. However, if you are a malesub then in life and in love, you would do well to be a champion and servant, not a loser.