Masochist's Squirm
That weird mental yo-yoing we experience is a feature, not a bug
Xena beats me.
Hard.
I strain in my bonds, and whimper breathlessly.
I’ve lost any sense that I can resist or safeword. Right here, right now I am her powerless slave.
And it hurts.
And then she stops.
I remain hunched in my restraints, shuddering. I stifle a sob and realise I’m on the verge of actual tears.
She’s destroyed me—
OK, admit it, reading this got you hard, or maybe wet!
If you are a masochist, reading about a physically harrowing experience in an erotic context is a turn.
I certainly got turned on just writing that.
Meanwhile back on my knees…
—and that knowledge of what she’s done to me, the prickle of all my new welts, turns me on horribly until I am uncomfortably hard in my permanent chastity cage… which I am reminded, with horror, will do me no good. There are no orgasms for me this year… a thought that turns me on even more horribly.
“Only fifty to go,” says Xena cheerfully, padding over to take up position behind me.
I whimper in genuine fear…
That’s Squirm.
SQUIRM is my term for the yo-yoing between (a) experiencing suffering and (b) being excited by it. These are two different mental standpoints: "Argh, this hurts... Whee, look what's happening to me, do it some more!"
This Argh/Whee cycle is important because it shows that consent does not negate authenticity.
If you are a sadist, you can rest assured that the pain you inflict is real.
If you are a masochist, you can plead for mercy without feeling inconsistent.
It also explains how seemingly extreme or unpleasant fantasies often turn out to be "enjoyable". As long as the reality is neither personhood-threatening nor unexpected, it's confined in Argh, whereas the enjoyment can sit firmly in the Whee, which is already pre-trained by our fantasising.
The stinger is that this has implications for consent.
An experienced top or dom can easily manipulate Squirm, because "too much" generally sits in the Argh to be contemplated as a turn-on in when you catch your breath in the Whee.
If you are psychologically and physically robust, it's probably best to approach BDSM as you would MMA or cage fighting: you're consenting to play subject to certain ground rules, but you may not always like the result, but perhaps that's what makes it exciting...
OK, so that’s Squirm .
Next time, we’ll talk about RUNAWAY SQUIRM.
While you’re waiting, click through to read my hard-edged Femdom erotica!