Malesub as sexual identity
Making sense of the urge to be "out", public play, and even cuckolding
I have this reoccurring Femdom fantasy:
We rent a large holiday cottage in a remote place, and play host to one or more of Xena’s female friends.
I’m in “slave mode” the entire time, wearing a collar, speaking when spoken to, and pretty much playing house servant. They know I’m in a chastity device, but nothing sexual happens (except sometimes in private with Xena).
There’s no kick from the humiliation. Nor does it feel exhibitionist. I just imagine quietly slaving away, doing the cooking and cleaning, serving the drinks and being totally taken for granted and feeling content.
Sorry, it’s not a masturbation fantasy.
OK, you got me! Nothing has been a masturbation fantasy for the past 23 months — I’m still “neutered” by a permanent chastity device.
However, the fantasy on its own isn’t a turn on. It’s also an extension of what already happens in our Female Led Relationship: routine protocol, regular use of the slave collar. Sometimes that’s hot. Most of the time it just feels deeply, deeply comfortable.
I’ve always explained this as escapism. In slave mode, everything is simple. Things might be scary, but never stressful or confusing.
That’s true as far as it goes. However, sexual identity — how we see ourselves as a sexual being — it turns out to be a thing in itself.
Straight vanilla folk don’t notice, because their identity aligns with the cultural default. In contrast, coming out, or at least having a place where they can be out, has always been important to gays and lesbians, even when in monogamous couples. In the past, these folk took tremendous risks just to sit in a club and drink with others who shared their orientation.
Sexual identity seems similar to gender identity, in that we have a hardwired need to inhabit it socially. That need is not immediately sexual, but it is social: identity is usually about being truly seen by others.
For me, it’s enough to sometimes wake in my cell, in my slave collar. Maybe, the collar could stay on for a day or so. I’m seen by my wife. Frankly, I’m lucky to be “seen” at all. And the kinkernet gives me a substitute virtual social life in which I can exist as a malesub.
However, I still crave being houseslave in that imaginary holiday cottage.
So suddenly, I think I understand why other kinksters do what they do.
I understand why people go to real life BDSM clubs even if they are in couples and not playing. Why, when they do play “publicly”, it’s as often about being seen as it is about exhibitionism. And, why “Kink at Pride” debates are so fierce.
I also think I get cuckolding.
The malesubs who seem really into cuckolding as a lifestyle don’t talk about how it turns them on, so much as how it makes them feel. The language never quite goes there, but the word “comfortable” is the elephant in the room. It’s about identity.
And that explains why I quite like the idea of Xena having a female lover. Sure, it would be sexy to be in the same room, or even just to bring them breakfast in bed. However, it’s really about the ultimate expression of my own sexual identity: a de-masculinised, often invisible, self-erasing slave.
That’s not ever going to happen! So, it’s a good thing that I can explore some of this in my erotica! (Click to take a look.)