Is shagging intrinsically dominant?

A plausible reason why the very idea of pegging can be compelling for both sexes, and why some dominant women go off penetrative sex and what to do all about this...

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash

Shagging… penis in vagina sex… we don’t do that in our dynamic…

“Fingers,” says Xena, and I slide two fingers into her vagina, all the while keeping up the tongue action on her clitoris. “But don’t move them.”

The position is awkward. My stubbly chin is pressed into my palm and my neck is craned, making my slave collar tight on my throat.

I’m rewarded by a clench of slippery muscles around my digits that makes my penis heave against its permanent chastity cage.

“You can move them now.”

So I hook my fingers into the roof of her rippling vagina and rub, all the while keeping up the licking.

My wife shifts her hips. Her orgasm is quiet, almost private, but a telltale flush spreads down her throat to between her breasts.

(I don’t orgasm. Still hard in my chastity cage, I slip back off the bed onto my knees and wait. After a while, she has me rub her feet and dozes off.)

What is going on?

The thing is, Xena likes penetration but she’s off sex.

Sometimes she even has me use a realistic dildo on her. But, we haven’t had sex for maybe seven years, unless you count the couple of times with me caged but using a dildo as a prosthetic.

And while we’re at it, why are some malesubs so obsessed with pegging?

Why do some dominant women take up the pegging challenge with enthusiasm, even though this is a profoundly inefficient way for them to stimulate their own genitals?

None of these non-acts or acts are fetishes in the conventional sense of being acquired through early sexual experience, e.g. “during puberty saw girl in a sundress with her leg in a plaster cast, so developed a fetish for girls in plaster casts.”

Even so, they seem very compelling.

Let’s talk about sex, baby…

It turns out that we’re probably wired to experience conventional sex as an act of domination and submission.

Yes, I know we’re supposed to all agree that “no act is inherently dominant or submissive”. Some dominant women physically enjoy a “good pounding”, so there’s no reason why a dominant woman shouldn’t have that on tap.

However, femdom couples that do have conventional sex often kink it up — he’s not allowed to orgasm, or maybe he’s wearing a strap-on — and Virgo dynamics seem common in Femdom relationships in the wild beyond the scene.

There are certainly plenty of cultural clues, most notably the charming Ancient Romans and Greeks who thought penetration was great, but only as long as you were the one doing it.

And, I have just discovered that there is also some good evidence from other primates that humping is a gender neutral way of demonstrating dominance. From Scott Barry Kaufman’s Transcend (my bolding):

One of Maslow’s findings was that what appears to be sexually motivated behavior is often a reflection of power explainable by each monkey’s status within a dominance hierarchy. Maslow found clear differences between sexually motivated and dominance-motivated “mounting,” noting that “sexual behavior is used as an aggressive weapon often, instead of bullying or fighting, and is to a large extent interchangeable with these latter power weapons.”

Maslow also observed that the most dominant monkey was not always male.

So basically, “mounting” is coded dominant literally at a monkey level.

Virgos, Pegging and Super Normal Stimulation

Since the urges to dominate and to submit are natural (not the same as “nice”), then Virgos (dominants who prefer their men chaste) and pegging enthusiasts both make sense as manifestations of something called Supernormal Stimulation.

We experience Supernormal Stimulation when our hardwired rules encounter ‘unplanned-for" levels of stimulation, resulting in ‘unintended’ compulsive behaviour.

…when poor little baby turtles fatally crawl the wrong way, up the beach towards the bright lights of the local bars and discos; when randy Australian beetles try to mate with beer bottles (and risk dying out); and when humans make binge on refined sugar and make ourselves ill. It’s why people collect big-eyed plushies. And, I think it probably also explains unreflective high status men descending into serial infidelity. (See my earlier piece on this.)

Back to “mounting” as a gender-neutral monkey way of signalling dominance.

No wonder then that some dominant women are what I call Virgos!

At a visceral level, the Virgo has an ambivalent attitude to penetrative sex and is wired to resist it somewhat. Back in ancestral times, that resistance would have… practical limits so therefore has no evolved built-in off switch. It follows that, when faced by a lover in a chastity cage, she has no reason to let him out for actual sex… ever. So we could say that for a Virgo, a male chastity device is supernormal stimulation.

Now think about pegging.

When males do “mounting”, it comes with penetration, or at least the threat of it. When females do it, that’s not possible, so plausibly there’s no instinctive end point to female-on-male mounting; it just can’t go anywhere… unless, that is, you have a dildo to act as a female penis. People wired for the more dynamic end of the F/m spectrum therefore find the strap-on irresistible. I think that’s more supernormal stimulation.

What about shagging femdom style?

But of course, you can have conventional sex in femdom style.

First of all, it’s OK to take a brief break from your dynamic, or for her to order up the experience. Big picture, she’s still in charge, even if an observer might think she was in a submissive posture right now.

She can also “run the fuck” and maybe centre it around herself — perhaps he doesn’t get to come? Maybe he wears a cock sleeve.

You can kink it up. He can be in a slave collar, maybe on a leash. She can control the action with a whip. Maybe he’s locked in chastity and using a strapon on her?

And, finally, you can do all of the above. For example, he gets to make love passionately, but she whimsically controls the action with a whip, and he’s locked into a chastity device and using a strap-on, much to her amusement.

Femdom life is good.

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