How to feel "objectified" and "owned"
And what does that even mean? (Spoiler: It means "Slave")
You probably already know this story.
One weekday evening, I was kneeling at the foot of the bed waiting to rub Xena’s feet.
My wife was “just finishing off some work” on her laptop, only the work proved more complex than she expected. The minutes ran on into tens of minutes while she tapped away and I quietly shifted to using my yoga block for endurance.
About twenty minutes in, Xena started muttering to herself as she typed, things like: “Oh right… that…. I’ll shift… Hmmm.”
She’d not so much forgotten I was there, but rather was so accustomed to me being there that my mute presence made no difference to her.
Suddenly I was very turned on indeed…
Owned and Objectified?
It’s a common kinky thing for a submissive to want to feel “owned”.
Sometimes, that’s really code for benevolently controlled and maybe even reparented through kink: “Domme knows what’s best for me.” Sometimes it’s more about being treated like a pet.
However, most subs who want to be “owned” seem to also want something darker that doesn’t fit those vibes. They want to be “objectified”, as in used and treated like an object.
Objectification is a Zen problem for the standard “kink as curated experience” model because it’s about the absence of empathy.
The very fact of trying to create the effect of objectification implies an act of empathy: it’s like… say…
Your guru says you can attain Enlightenment if only you can cross the river Ganges without thinking about your right big toe.
Of course, you could cross that river fine without thinking about your toe if you were doing it every day on the way to work. I’m not sure you’d actually become enlightened, but that cunning hack does offer a solution to the problem of objectification.
Genuine objectification happens naturally when it’s (a) a means to an end for the dominant and (b) she is 100% secure that there will be no consequences. That’s what was going on with me kneeling on the floor while Xena typed, and at more exciting moments when I provide oral service followed by a foot rub and sleep.
It’s also brings us to the elephant in the room.
It’s Slavery…
When submissives talk about wanting to be “owned and objectified”, they’re really talking about wanting — on some level — to be treated like a slave. That’s the context in which a person can be owned and objectified.
When submissives talk about wanting to be “owned and objectified”, they’re really talking about wanting — on some level — to be treated like a slave.
To be clear, we’re talking the sexy Roman personal slave as the model, rather than the horrors of Roman agricultural or industrial slavery, and certainly not horrific Early Modern race-based slavery.
And, also, to be clear, slavery was and is a bad thing, and to be an ancient slave rarely meant having a good life from start to finish. Embracing it as a kink — seeking to emulate slavery, even in a nerfed sexualised form — is to go to a dark place.
However, the pairing of “owned” and “objectified” only really makes sense when you accept that dark place and call it by its name: Slavery.
What makes a Roman Slave?
The erotic aspects of being a Roman personal slave are roughly:
You exist so your mistress can be unselfconsciously selfish with no resulting consequences or obligations.
Your primary role is to serve your mistress. When not serving, you wait patiently.
She can switch on and off your personhood at will. Sometimes you’re a companion, sometimes you’re a thing.
You’re expected to take responsibility for yourself, but she can make decisions “for your own good”.
She may feel genuinely affectionate to you, but will casually torment or torture you for fun or therapy.
You are supposed to already have the skills for your role, but she can train and modify you to suit her needs.
Corporal punishment is there to keep you in your place and for quality control.
She owns you, so like any other property, she can sell you or lend you out as she pleases.
You can fit most of the classic submissive fantasies into that! Not just objectification, but also “free use”, “sharing”, “humiliation”, “punishment”, “permanent chastity”… it goes on. They are all downstream of the uncomfortable urge to Be a Slave.
I’m not quite sure how to explain this! I’m pretty certain that D/s is a hardwired ancient reproductive strategy that gets switched on for some people. However, ancient slavery has to be too recent for our genes to have adapted to it. Maybe our submissive instincts simply latch onto this because it’s the available cultural archetype?
Whatever the reasons, this is where some of us are at, and it’s almost alarmingly easy to achieve something like it in the privacy of your own home.
How to be a Roman-style slave at home
I’ve written a whole series on this, but the short version, assuming you already have some kink going on, is…
1. Have a regular window for slavery
Have a regular time during which you both treat the mistress/slave relationship as real and non-negotiable. (See above, but maybe skip point #8.)
Select this window according to the following criteria:
When an obedient slave would be more useful than a potentially demanding husband or boyfriend.
When sexual activity has been known to happen, but is generally low effort on the part of the dominant.
So Friday night after a long week at work might make sense, but maybe not Monday night.
It’s also useful to signal the start of the window by donning a prop such as a slave collar.
2. Establish low expectations for the slave’s experience
The slave is not expecting pyrotechnics, wild sex or wilder whippings. In fact, being bored is good.
Discipline will be handled by “demerits” translating to punishment at a more convenient time.
The slave won’t have an orgasm (this is a good time to experiment with chastity).
Once the window is over, the slave won’t expect to discuss it.
The dominant incurs no obligations of any sort.
All this aligns the dominant’s experience as closely as possible to that of her 1st-Century counterpart.
3. Have routines that passively objectify the slave
Have routines that objectify the slave without any intervention from the dominant, e.g. waiting quietly when not required. (This is not the same as “Unworthy Slave will greet his Goddess by kissing Her Divine Toes then Masturbating On Her Boots…”)
The ideal routine:
Has no impact on the dominant.
Does not draw attention to the slave.
Would be inconvenient for the dominant to break.
In other words, just going with the flow should be the easiest option at any given moment.
4. Have a clear end to the window
If you both know when the window ends, then not only will it not peter out, it will also be possible for the dominant to extend it.
For example, our deeper dynamic generally ends when Xena tells me to take off my collar and come to bed. Xena always has the option to leave the collar on and dismiss me to my cell — sometimes that’s even the default option…
5. Have effective self-aftercare not involving the dominant
It’s not nice being objectified. That’s why we masochists “like” it. However, it can be a pretty bleak thing to come out of subspace to.
The snag is, that the slavery window can’t involve aftercare from the dominant, because that would be inconvenient for her!
This topic deserves an article all of its own, but the simplest solution is not to come out of subspace until the following morning: Dominant goes to sleep, slave joins her in bed still wearing his slave collar, everybody is happy.
How do I make my partner more dominant?
Question: How do I help my wife/girfriend/husband/boyfriend to be more dominant?
I love how you write. You get "it." I know I am opposite you, but it's the same. I want to do what He wants, and I want Him to ignore what I want. I am here to please Him. I want to be seen as their object to use as they want.
Good info!